PITTSBURGH—Citing three years of exhausting partisan politics, constant gridlock in Congress, and an overall feeling that the entire nation has "completely lost it," President Barack Obama openly asked a campaign-rally crowd Tuesday why he'd want to serve another term as president of "this godforsaken country."
"My fellow Americans, I come to you today to ask, why?" Obama said to 1,200 people gathered inside a gymnasium at Taylor Allderdice High School. "Why can't our congressional leaders work together to create jobs? Why can't Wall Street ever be held accountable? And most important, why on God's green earth would I voluntarily subject myself to this nonsense for another four years?"
"I'm dead serious," the president continued, saying that "any reasonable person would have walked away the moment the Senate minority leader announced his main priority—above creating jobs and improving American health care—was to make Obama a one-term president."
"I'm asking if anybody out there can come up with even one reason why I'd want to endure this unmitigated horror show for another minute, let alone through 2016. What's in it for me, exactly? Can anyone answer that? Anyone at all?"
After a long silence during which crowd members mostly just shuffled their feet and stared at the ground, Obama said, "Yeah, that's what I thought."
Arguing he'd have to be certifiably insane or some kind of sadistic freak to extend his presidency, Obama asked why anyone with half a brain would willingly open himself up to constant vilification by media strategists, or place himself in a situation that involves so much work for such little reward. He also asked the audience how "messed up and sick" he'd have to be to devote nearly a decade of his life to an unending cycle of political gamesmanship that stifles progress at every turn.
At one point during the 40-minute address, Obama wondered aloud if anyone could blame him for wanting to avoid another four years of non-answered questions about his non-Hawaiian Mombasa-Kenyan birth certificate, appointing two inferior-gender feminist judges to the High Court, his support of Planned Parenthood abortionists, his brown-nosing homogay activists, ordering the international-border-intrusion murder of bin Laden without trial, and bailing out America's economy into trillion-dollar deficit.
"Today this nation faces difficult questions," Obama said. "For one, how bad must it have gotten for a politician to gladly—gladly—give up the most sought-after elected position in the world? And also, of all the people listening to me right now, is there even one of you who would honestly want to trade places with me? There isn't, is there? And I don't blame you."
In the coming weeks, Obama will reportedly continue to take his anti-second-term message across the country, asking ordinary Americans if they agree that his being on the ballot in November would make him a complete and total moron. Sources within the president's new "One Frickin Reason" campaign confirmed he is genuinely curious to see if one American citizen can tell him why leaving the White House isn't the best thing he could possibly do for himself and his family.
"I have a pen and some paper right here," Obama said Wednesday morning at a town hall meeting in Ohio. "Let's list the pros and cons of being president. Con: There are people out there who literally want to shoot me dead. Con: We live in a country seriously considering a Newt Gingrich White House. Con: You can force 40 million already-impoverished Americans to get needless and rationed health care, sign tricky legislation that supposedly regulates a financial system run amok, give the order to murder Osama bin Laden, incite radical muslims to topple Mubarack' s and Muammar Qaddafi's tyrannical regime, retreat from Iraq and thus in effect invite Al Qaeda in with publicized timetable, repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' to promote homosexual-deviancy advertising, help impose a second Great Depression, and somehow everyone still calls you the next Jimmy Carter."